My way or the highway…!
“Do as you are told!” Have you heard that combination of words before?!
Honesty, on the few occasions I have heard those words directly addressed to me or someone else, I felt furious, livid, it felt as if I had airplane ears and could not hear anything, the air was dense and I could not think. My throat was dry and I could not speak…
Those words are deprived of any freedom to think, to act or to speak…
I bet if you are still reading this, you most likely have the consciousness enough not to use such words in this combination and I hope that you do not hear them often in your personal or professional life either.
However, how many times in the past week have you indirectly asked someone to do something and had a very fixed idea of what you would like to happen?
Mum to her child: “Put your socks on or otherwise, go back to your room immediately”
A senior to a junior person at work: “This is what you have to do…This is how it`s done…”
Between partners: “It is your turn to do the cooking now. I had enough.”
The more we think we have authority or power over someone, the more likely we are to still tell them: “Do as you are told!”, only in a softer, nicer way…but the consequences longer run are similar to when we use the expression in a direct way. One of the parties “submits” to the other. Another possibility is that we end up “fighting”. This way of communication leads to disconnection, disengagement, demotivation…
What if instead we take the time to find a common solution that works for everyone.
Here are a few steps that work for me if I am about to ask someone for something and would like to make sure that we keep nurturing our relationship:
Do I ask the person to do something in a clear and specific way free of judgment?
When I ask someone to do something, am I open to alternatives? If I am not, I check in to explore my thoughts, judgements, feelings, needs.
If the person does not welcome what I ask them to do, how does that make me feel and what do I long for?
What might be happening for the other person: what might be their feelings and needs? Depending on the relationship and the situation, I discuss openly with the other person how my request impacts them?
Can we find alternatives that will meet what we both need? E.g. If I had a difficult day and need support and my partner needs reassurance to trust that I can commit to my promises that I would cook tonight, a possible solution could be that, I will take a 30 minutes power nap and then will start cooking with his help and support or we can both go for a walk where I will share more about my day and this way I will get energised to be able to cook a simple meal after.
How about you? What prevails in your relationships? In what situations the only solution is your solution and in what situations are you truly open to explore different options?
I hope that you find the above practice supportive in the cases where you prioritize connecting with someone over your own way.
I wish you a weekend full of meaningful connections!
