Does prioritising what I need make me selfish?
I can't say “no” to Paul. He asked me to help him with his school/ work report. I have so much to do myself but sure, I will squeeze this in as well. And before you know it, you are stressed and exhausted. You react to the smallest of things and can't recognise yourself anymore. You are a ball of nerves and are burning out.
Now, your story does not have to be so polarised and I am not implying that you should tell Paul by all means that you won`t help him with his report. With today's article, I would like to challenge a very common belief of ours that prioritising what we need is bad and would like to provide you with a different perspective, a perspective in which you will regard allowing yourself to put yourself first as an absolute necessity.
In my previous article about feelings - The Great Pretender: https://www.mandercoaching.co.uk/blog-3-1/the-great-pretender, I explored how detrimental for our society it can be when we keep ignoring our emotions and I am keen to dig deeper today why not acknowledging them deprives us from the important messages that they are trying to tell us.
In the example with Paul, I probably ignored how tired I was or did not take the time to notice the frustration that was building in me or even worse, I thought in the split of a second, of course, I have to help him. This is what I am supposed to do. This is what is expected of me and even if I am frustrated because he always relies on me, if I do not help him, he won't like me, love me, he will reject me.
And so you chose to say “yes”, you went with the flow and you did what you always do: ignored your feelings and what you really needed. Let me share another way.
What is happening in my body? What am I feeling right now?
What are my judgments and beliefs about this situation? Challenge them by acknowledging that this is your evaluation and transform it into a neutral observation? I wrote another article about this if you are interested to know how you can do this: https://www.mandercoaching.co.uk/blog-3-1/a-simple-way-to-unlock-your-self-awareness
What am I really needing in this situation? Do I need support, appreciation, consideration or something else?
When I identify the need, usually something shifts in me. I gain a better understanding of my feelings, I am able to challenge my own thoughts and receive clarity on what I can try and do to empower myself to take better care of myself and others in a genuine and selfless way.
So, no, prioritising your own needs does not make you selfish! It is essential for you and others to thrive. What you might want to be careful with is not confusing your needs with some fixated idea, a strategy of what you would like to happen: e.g. I want him to tidy his room and if he does not do this there will be consequences, it is my way or the highway …
If you are maybe frustrated because someone did not do what you wanted, the need behind might be that you need support or rest. Once you identify that need, how could you prioritise it for yourself? What could you ask from yourself or from the other person?
More on that tomorrow. For now, I wish you a day full of self-care!
PS: Feel free to use this list to give you some examples of needs: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/learn-nonviolent-communication/feelings/or download a more detailed version from https://www.cnvc.org/store/feelings-and-needs-inventory
