Conflict always happens on the level of strategies

Conflict always happens on the level of strategies, in the context of NVC, Non-Violent Communication.

What is a strategy according to NVC?

• A specific action that is taken to fulfil one`s need

• Is attached to a particular person or activity: I would like to do a specific thing with a specific person.

What helps me to manage tensions or resolve conflict is simply mapping what are my feelings and needs right now, guessing or checking with the other person, what are theirs and exploring the options to find a common strategy that will meet both our needs.

Let`s say, I am tired and I need to relax. My strategy might be that I need a power nap.

My daughter is excited and would like to play with me because she longs for connection/ closeness with her mum.

If we are both attached to our strategy, this will create tension and no one will be happy.

If someone gives in, we will both be unhappy: e.g. When I go to sleep, she won`t be able to play with me. If we play together, I will still be tired.

Instead we can explore together what can help me relax and what can help her to have that closeness with her mummy. Maybe we go for a nice walk in the park or we lie down on the sofa and I pamper her.

Keep exploring different strategies until you find what best fits the needs of both people. You can communicate your different ideas by making specific requests to one another.

Requests according to NVC are:

• specific, provide details around the time and place.

• They are actionable and formulated in a positive language: what you could do vs what you can not do

• You are not attached to it, you are flexible and open for the other person to decline it in which case you keep exploring the options.

How about going to the cinema?

How about reading a story in bed?

Would it work if we go for a 15 minute walk in the park?

Would it be ok if I have a power nap for 20 minutes and then, we play a board game for 20 minutes?

Try out to explore different strategies to meet your and someone else`s needs in a particular situation and explore those options by communicating your specific requests using the tips above. Weekends usually offer plenty of opportunities to take care of your and someone else`s needs at the same time in a way that does not lead to tension or conflict.

Good luck!