Conflict is all around…
Sadly,
“I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Conflict is all around me,
And so the feeling grows…”
Usually, conflict leads to separation, sides. You want to scream at each other, fight against each other, you have a headache and you do not want to talk with the person who you are in conflict with anymore. It is a situation where at least one of the sides loses…
Are all conflicts bad though? In Lencioni Model and his pyramid for Cohesive teams, he looks at the conflict as a powerful foundation for cohesive teams. If people/ team members trust enough each other, they will speak up and dear to enter in conflict, they will use this as a mean to find better ways leveraging on each other`s perspectives and agreeing to disagree.
A healthy argument is focused on the specific idea, the decision, the data, on the problem, not the person.
Unhealthy arguments make things personal or use generalisations to dismiss any thought or suggestions from the other party.
When I observe conflict, I find it helpful to map it to the 5 levels of Conflict model to help me deal with it in a more efficient way and realise how heavy the situation really is:
Discomfort: sometimes when this occurs, nothing really may have been said but it may have been implied in an indirect way. It is when a person feels like things aren’t quite right or potentially felt that they were treated unfairly.
Incident: something has happened and was directed at a person or through other people. Typically in these incidents there are short sharp exchanges.
Misunderstanding: Here motives and facts are often confused and misperceived. This is where most people take a position on something, start holding on to something which really means that it becomes difficult to communicate and get to a mutually beneficial outcome.
Tension: a lot of emotional involvement, attitudes and unfortunately in many cases: stubbornness. This level means that there now is little flexibility and more than likely it's about getting someone back rather than solving the issue.
Crisis: a time of intense difficulty or danger. More people are dragged into the crisis and the us against them positioning takes place. In most cases, everyone loses…
In conflict, what we see on the surface is often only part of the story. Underneath the surface of the water, below our stated positions and outward behaviours, lies a complex world of interests, values, assumptions, and vital human needs. Common ground and understanding may be found when we are aware of what lies below the surface for ourselves and those with whom we find ourselves in conflict.
Iceberg Model
Below are two simple models that will help you mediate conflict:
ARC Model:
A = Acknowledge people's experience
R = Reflect back what you hear
Be C = curious and ask questions
BEN Model:
B = Behaviour: the way in which one acts or conducts themselves, especially toward others
E = Emotions/ Feelings: emotions are event driven; feelings are learned behaviours that are usually in hibernation until triggered by an external event
N = Needs: something that is essential or important
This is what you can try next time you are in a conflict and you wish to help resolving it:
Pay attention to the behavior or set of behaviors that you are witnessing.
Identify the emotion(s)/feeling(s) that may be behind the behavior(s)
Try to determine what need(s) you think are NOT being met.
Ask yourself - Can I/We meet these needs? If so, how? If not, why not?
Acknowledge to yourself and/or between the parties that there may be needs that are not being met. Discuss if there is a way to meet those needs, and if so, how? If not, why not?
I wish you a day where you dare to have healthy conflicts!
